Week 2 – Tension between Wrath & Love

“What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has FREELY given us.” NIV 1 Corinthians 2:12

 

Last week was an overwhelming and emotional week for me. One bad thing happened after another and I failed over and over again. Monday morning started with a boot on my car that cost me my son’s graduation party and it spiraled downhill until Wednesday when my computer crashed.  How did I respond? with Blame. Resentment. Anger. Confusion. And who got the end of the stick?  My family.

Wow! Let’s just take a moment and process that.  Here I am with an amazing opportunity God has given me to Rest, Reset and Pursue His calling on my life, yet I choose to respond to my circumstances with a critical flesh.

Take a Deep Breathe with me . . . breathe in (1-2-3) . . . breathe out (1-2-3).  Now I understand why God insisted I see a therapist during my pursuit. Gratefully I was able to process all of this quickly through a weekly scheduled session. I didn’t understand when I signed up. . . but now I get it. Through that session I learned so much about me. And guess what?  Most of what I was going through had nothing to do with the present tense.

It has everything to do with my past and worry of the future.

You see I am on a new venture with Christ and I am carrying the cross daily and it doesn’t come with ease.  I am giving up my old self in order to walk in the new. This is a way of slowly dieing from the flesh — dieing from my physical cravings, my physical reactions, and my physical idolatry . . . or at least I’m trying.   I am learning that there are triggers today that stem from my past experiences.  I have unconscious biases that flare up in stressful, anxious times.  My flesh is made up of wild puzzle pieces from the past, whether traumatic or pleasant, and it comes from a memory place where I was taught to survive. My past is carried forward into my present circumstances through the flesh. And it is entangled with the constant worry of the future.  Being aware of this is so powerful!  In order for me to die to the flesh, reconcile myself to God, and embrace the new life He has in store for me, I have to learn how to heal from the past, and in some cases replace old bad habits with new.  It means I need to love myself and others in a different way — His way. Not the way I was taught.

I learned that over the years, I defined all my worth and value in earned degrees and a designated workplace. Since I was thirteen years old, it was the only place I felt in control. I felt worthy and valued. And I felt safe. That sense of comfort was what I needed to survive my circumstances at that time.

Although I don’t like being defined that way now, I was told to honor that part of myself. That woman is who got me to where I am today.  Praise God!  But let us recognize that that woman is also a fighter and a person who hides worry and fear in her soul, and explodes through episodes of anxiety and angry spells.  She is the woman who will not allow herself to feel sad because she had to suck it up to endure.

You can see the issue here right?  Now we are in the present tense, and there is a hidden mess in her soul that still needs to be cleaned up.  This woman needs to learn how to live free and feel safe no matter where she lands her feet.  Whether it be in her home, in her own business, in a corporation, in her marriage or in her parenting. She needs to be confident and secure wherever God places her. And right now, this woman isn’t. She finds herself breaking to pieces at home because she feels she has lost her identity.  This new walk . . . this new life . . . takes her out of her comfort zone and she doesn’t feel safe.

She desperately thirsts to go back to the familiar where she was trapped and enslaved.

You see, the worry and anxiety that she was experiencing was not a product of her environment, rather it was a product of her.  She still feels the same fear  but the focus has shifted to the circumstances of her current environment.  A-lot of time we like to blame our circumstances or our environment for what we are feeling.  But reality is, the issue is deeply rooted in us.  This is what God wants us to wrestle with.  He wants us to free ourselves of the enemy’s playground that eats away at us.  We cannot move towards the purpose He has planned ahead of us until we have settled our spirit and our hearts — with full accountability and without blame.  Our Well Being starts with us, right in the center of our chest, when we choose love over wrath, and when it ignites, it shoots up to our mind and down through our body.  Our physical is not well without first resolving the conflict that competes within us.

The therapist asks her what she wants? 

“Hmmmmm”.  She moves her head above water and responds:  “I want a life that’s free!  I want to be free to make my own choices and not be worrisome or fearful. I want to feel safe pursuing something new. I don’t want my emotions to control me anymore. I want to trust. I want to not always have to be in control. I want to be aware of the triggers that keep me in bondage and replace them with God’s truth about me. I want to be new!  And I want to be the BEST me!”

Awareness suddenly enters the room.  Well . . . in order for me to be the BEST, and walk on a NEW path, where He will bless me beyond my expectations, I have to let go of my old self. And that involves understanding what in my past is tied up in me today.  What memories have I either not processed or processed badly?  Sometimes who we are in the flesh comes from the hands of the people we love most. Our family, our friends, our old relationships.

The generational curse is real but it CAN be broken.

It’s all a test. The adversity I experienced these past few weeks was necessary. I need to face the truth about who I am. And through the truth my endurance grows. Once my endurance is fully developed I will lack nothing and need nothing. James 1:2-4

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:  The old has gone, the new is here!  NIV 2 Corinthians 5:17

So today I honor my old self. That woman was a fighter, a warrior, and a survivor. And she needed to be who she was to get her to where she is today. But this woman is no longer in the wilderness, she has defeated her enemies and now it’s time for her to live. She no longer has to fight. She has permission to expand herself and enjoy the wonders of the world.

 

Our Revival must begin.  Revival is defined as “an improvement in the condition or strengths of something”.  It is also knows as Restoration and Resurrection.  Christ calls us to reconcile with Him through His resurrection, and when we respond we are restored.  He has intervened for our salvation — so that we may live Free.

For every step you take forward, leave something behind in the past.

Thank you Father for giving me a good reality check and helping me to realize how broken I really am. Thank you God for doing for me what I could not do for myself.


6 thoughts on “Week 2 – Tension between Wrath & Love

  1. Yessss! What a revelation! It is so not easy in action to be able to follow God and His Will – thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy. Can’t wait to hear more….

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  2. Week 2 Comment:

    Your blog reminds me of the season I attended a recovery group. I have never been alchohol or drug dependent, but I knew brokenness in me and God knew I needed to grow a sensitivity and compassion to those strangers, so I could handle the next season of family past/present healing. He is so good. He knows just what, when, and how. In our weakness and failures… He already knew and uses them for His glory. That was over two years ago and I’m reminded of that season still as later upon later He removes another stone letting a little more light into the darkness. Hang in there sis. I bet that boot stilled you for a reason. Love you. Keep these coming!

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    1. Amen sis! Yes that boot was necessary for me to wrestle with the truth. God was calling me to be grateful for TODAY. He has provided me enough for today and I should leave the rest up to Him. Once I realized that, and asked for forgiveness for not being grateful for everything else, he resolved it in a heartbeat. He confirmed to me that He does take care of things and I have nothing to fear or worry about. It is possible to set yourself apart from the world and it will all be okay if not BETTER.

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  3. Sister I’m so proud of you. Reading this made me cry. I feel the same but I still have a long way. You give me hope but I also feel sad that I’m to broken, lost, and scared. We both come from the same place and we both had to be Warriors but you found a different path and it is great and god has so much planned for you.

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    1. Sister He has even more planned for you! We both have a long way but you can hold my hand and walk with me on this journey together. You are NEVER too broken and lost. Yes Fear is a beast but we can overcome! The time is NOW

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  4. Sis, I am so very proud of the woman you have become!!
    I understand your battle .. literally word for word because our past lives experiences are so parallel and I know there are thousands of women out there that feel the same way !!
    Thank you for taking the healing to a new level many of us just didn’t think was possible . Honored to take part of this journey of breaking free with you !

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